Loose Ends

I’ve been off work for several weeks now and feeling rather restless. I am used to be so busy that I am at a loss without a list of tasks to do. Instead I find myself thinking, wait, I will do that tomorrow so I will have something to do tomorrow. The last time I was off long term, I knit a great deal - knit myself right into severe carpal tunnel. So my hands are screwed up and it really limits how I can spend my time. I like sewing, but need power for that and I only get an hour or so where I have enough power to run the machine well. I’ve been doing a lot of writing, but I have to be in the right frame of mind for that. I can’t really color anymore as my hands cramp or go numb.. I try playing my games on the iPads, but again with my hands. I would like to go out walking but the weather has been usual winter crap - rain, wind, rare snow, more rain, more wind. I can’t hold an umbrella for long due to my hands. And so on and so on. I have been reading but it makes me sleepy at times so I end up napping. I have read several books and short stories.

So I’m restless. I need to find something to fill my days with if I cannot work. I can’t even be a good couch potato as I broke my television and the internet has been a real jerk these past few weeks. Netflix is mostly unstable so I have to download stuff somewhere else and then I can watch that stuff. I can’ only download a certain amount and only one one iPad or the other, but not both. Whine whine whinie, but such is the state of affairs. 

I feel panic just below the surface much of the day, most days of the week. It isn’t overwhelming as I recognize it for what it is, but I do not like that feeling. I know I cannot die from a panic attack, but it doesn’t make the panic and anxiety any less impactful. I am definitely in no shape to be working, that much is clear. I have a very low tolerance for violence or confrontation and am struggling with what I can watch on Netflix or what I can read. Too many triggers and it overwhelms me. I can’t even fathom reading a nasty case file about an abused child right now. Ugh...