Loose Ends

I’ve been off work for several weeks now and feeling rather restless. I am used to be so busy that I am at a loss without a list of tasks to do. Instead I find myself thinking, wait, I will do that tomorrow so I will have something to do tomorrow. The last time I was off long term, I knit a great deal - knit myself right into severe carpal tunnel. So my hands are screwed up and it really limits how I can spend my time. I like sewing, but need power for that and I only get an hour or so where I have enough power to run the machine well. I’ve been doing a lot of writing, but I have to be in the right frame of mind for that. I can’t really color anymore as my hands cramp or go numb.. I try playing my games on the iPads, but again with my hands. I would like to go out walking but the weather has been usual winter crap - rain, wind, rare snow, more rain, more wind. I can’t hold an umbrella for long due to my hands. And so on and so on. I have been reading but it makes me sleepy at times so I end up napping. I have read several books and short stories.

So I’m restless. I need to find something to fill my days with if I cannot work. I can’t even be a good couch potato as I broke my television and the internet has been a real jerk these past few weeks. Netflix is mostly unstable so I have to download stuff somewhere else and then I can watch that stuff. I can’ only download a certain amount and only one one iPad or the other, but not both. Whine whine whinie, but such is the state of affairs. 

I feel panic just below the surface much of the day, most days of the week. It isn’t overwhelming as I recognize it for what it is, but I do not like that feeling. I know I cannot die from a panic attack, but it doesn’t make the panic and anxiety any less impactful. I am definitely in no shape to be working, that much is clear. I have a very low tolerance for violence or confrontation and am struggling with what I can watch on Netflix or what I can read. Too many triggers and it overwhelms me. I can’t even fathom reading a nasty case file about an abused child right now. Ugh...

Finding Time

Well, I have been off work for a week now, and it’s been fairly busy one, and yet when I have down time, I have a really hard time relaxing and sitting still. My nervous system is all abuzz and struggling to calm the fuck down. So I went to a yoga class today for Trauma Healing, so focused on breathing, mindfulness, and meditation. My back rebelled against some poses, but she gave me helpful instruction for at home to limber my back up before the next class. Interestingly enough, she used to be a social worker and gave it all up, just as I am about to do. We chatted about that as well. I think this is going to work for me, even though I felt like a big polar bear trying to reach some of the poses. I couldn’t see her while I was attempting them, so it was hard to tell if i was doing them right nor not. It is so handy to me, just a five minute walk from where I park. She also knew the yoga instructors who adopted Stormy in 2011 before I moved to Australia. Their apartment/yoga studio was just across the street from where this one is.

It isn’t that I don’t have things to do, as I do, but it is hard to find the motivation and energy to do much right now, especially when it’s pissing rain and chilly out. I think I will gain energy as the sun gains ground, inching us closer to summer. The leavers are coming out on the trees as are the cherry blossoms, so spring has definitely arrived. The only place in the whole country that sees spring i early February. It’s why I’m here. People try to convince me to move back east, or to Ontario - um, no, I really HATE winter and SNOW so no thanks.40+ years of winter was enough. 

I don’t want to just sit around all day and watch Netflix so I bought a day planner to keep track of my activities nd try to build some things in to look forward to and add a little structure, like the yoga class. It also helps me keep track of the days of the week. It was interesting - my usual Sunday dared began to settle in then I remembered - I do not have to go to work on Monday....and I had to convince myself that it was okay. I need this time off, and I need to take as much time as I need to feel right again. I will stick around here for the next couple of months, but then I am really looking forward to leaving the island to spend time with family. 

This weekend I am going camping in Port Renfrew this coming weekend, which will be nice. Fires on the black, hiking the local trails, and just enjoying Mother Nature. She revives me. 

Stil mourning Tom Petty and watching videos, interviews, live performances, etc every single day. I just cannot get enough. I miss you Tom Petty.