On top of the PTSD, my hands are currently quite disabled with carpal tunnel syndrome and I am in desperate need of the surgery. I can manage to machine sew as I don't have to do much fine fussy work for what I'm sewing and I can guide fabric through without issue. I cannot hand sew much at all as what I struggle with most is grasping items. I drop stuff all the time. I struggle with holding a cup or glass, a pen, my phone. forks and knives, a pen, mouse, and the steering wheel at times. I can no longer even consider knitting or crocheting which is a huge blow as I dearly enjoy it. Typing this up is also a challenge. I have such numbness and tingling in my right hand that it is a constant buzzing annoyance, you know, that feeling when your arm is waking up after falling asleep. Well I have it day and night in my right hand.
So what does this all mean and why am I writing about it today? Well, I have also been struggling with advocating for myself, and explaining why something is diffcult for me. On the outside, I look like I have nothing wrong with me, when in fact, I feel quite disabled most days. What does my anxiety look like? Well, things can be going well and then one small thing goes wrong, like yesterday when I was simply going to print a few things off I needed. I lugged my laptop and printer into my friend's house and hooked it all up without issue. Then it refused to recognize the printer. It worked fine in Edmonton when I bought it - wtf? So I tried with my friend's desktop computer. Again, no luck. Well I broke down and cried right there, heaving sobs, swearing and screaming to myself (the house was empty) and demanding to know why things have to be so hard. It took me awhile but I finally managed to workj through that anxiety and move on to other tasks at hand I had to do online and was able to set up my Facebook page for my business, open a bank account for it, and order my Square e-commerce thingy. Then I tried to make a few phonecalls, and I decompensated again. I called Student Loans and RBC. Neither were easy calls but we finally made it through with positive results. What I have come to realize though is each time I have an anxiety episode/attack, it is just exhausting. I was buggered for the rest of the day after that, just absolutely spent. I tried to concentrate enough to sort some fabric but I did not have the capacity. I finally gave up in the end. These days happen at least once a week where I am an absolute mess. The anxiety lessens overnight, but I still feel anxious today and still have a very short fuse. It does not take much. It is bad enough to struggle with either the PTSD or the carpal tunnel syndrome, but both together are often a nightmare, such as when my hands refuse to work and a somple task that should take a couple of minutes ends up taking a half an hour or more, if t happens at all. Sometimes I just give up on it, sobbing and crying about the whole entire saga. I am frustrated with my progress towards good mental health and I am frustrated with the deterioration of function in my hands. I also feel afraid more than I ever used to. In fact, it was a rare thing for me to be afraid of anything. I would just charge in, fearless. But now, I am afraid. Afraid I will not recover, afraid someone will try to hurt me along the way, afraid I will find myself homeless and destitute, afraid that I will lose all of my friends because of my behaviour. I don't like it.
In buying the RV and attempting to follow through with my small business plan and path to wellness, I have had many critics. Some who don't even realize they are criticizing at the time. I know I'm super sensitive about things these days, but I know what I want and I get frustrated when some folks pound away at me to change my mind about something with their own agenda or ideas in mind, it is very hard to deal with. I need people to understand that the decisions I have made in my life about what I want and don't want have not been spontaneous but based on months or sometimes years of research, planning, and most importantly - takes into account my current capacity to accomplish those tasks. I would love to have been able to convert an old school bus to a tiny home or to buy an old clunker of an RV and fix it up myself, but the issue is - I do not currently have the physical capacity to do it with my hands in this state, and I certainly do not have the coping abilities to manage a large project like that. I needed a place to live that would not cost me much money to maintain as a residence. I knew that I was not at all interested in renting an apartment anywhere from anyone and having yet another stupid landlord who wants to dictate how I shall live in my own apartment. I also knew I could not work full-time which would be necessary in order to maintain a tiny apartment.
The other struggle is that people often forget that I am dealing with PTSD and carpal tunnel syndrome so expect me to continue as normal, and I don't want to have to remind them over and over of why I cannot do something, or why I am struggling. I know I don't want to hear it again, but it makes it hard when I cannot keep up, or I am triggered and heading into an anxiety attack. I often have to silently or noisily retreat (both have happened) immediately and escape to my RV to calm myself down. The triggers are many - loud sudden noises can render me near catatonic for about an hour sometimes as my heart pounds away in my chest and I can't breathe. I try to use the breathing techniques learned in CBT but once the horse is out of the barn, there's little going back. I have to just ride it out. Another trigger is arguing between people - someone shouting or speaking angrily sends me out ducking for cover. A DV incident happened next door to me in Melbourne and I was hysterical when I called the police as I could hear her being beaten. Another trigger is middle eastern men who look similar to a family I was working with in Melbourne. The family is very much the root of my PTSD in addition to an cumulatiion of trauma. I was assaulted by the father, and then one of their newborn infants died due to a birth accident and things fell apart for them all over, blaming everyone but themselves. So seeing men that sound or look like the father is a definite trigger. The parents were both dealing with drug addictions(heroin, meth, pharmaceuticals), so even seeing people strung out like they were can be a trigger. And then there are the nonsense triggers (my term) that relate back to historical traumas, such as my house burning to the ground in 2010, my father dying in 2009, or a childhood incident. My therapist assures me that this is normal, as it may be that I have not fully dealt with those traumas. He is probably right. After all, I did run away to Australia...
So my point is this - please show a little compasssion towards me when you can. I may not look unwell, but I am, and it has already been a long road to recovery. I don't know how long it will take, and although I am frustrated at that alone, I know that I cannot rush it. I worked in child welfare for many hard years, and the toll on my body, mind, and spirit has been substantial. I am on shaky ground, and still trying to find my way. Please don't be another hurdle I must jump. I really need my friends right now. I would like to add that I have also had many dear friends and family's support me through all of this and I would like to thank each and every one. I could not have made it this far without them.
I know you have been struggling, but it also takes one hell of a strong person to be able to write what you just did. It takes courage to admit that you need help and it even takes more courage to ask for it. It takes a real desire to heal to confront what you or others perceive as weaknesses and to tell the world. I wish I had your courage, because there are many days I wish the darkness would envelop me, when all I really need is for someone to listen. So my dear, Jude, you are in my thoughts and you are not alone, even though I am certain you often feel that no one understands. Keep writing - it's therapeutic and it's informative. Mental pain is a common human denominator - we all feel it, but the vast majority of us can't express it as well as you have done today.
ReplyDeleteThank you Cynthia, for your kind words. I've always found writing to be so therapeutic.
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