Anxiety and Airports

So it turns out that anxiety and airports do not mix well, at least not in my case...not that it was rocket science to begin with. Airports are crowded with people all trying to get someplace else in the quickest way possible. Today left me completely unravelled and nearly stranded me in Toronto. The day started off okay, as I whipped through the last few things I had to do at my mother's apartment before I left. Printing photos off, hanging frames, taking down recycling and garbage, etc. And let's not forget the last minute packing. So much stuff...where does it all come from. For once I'd like to board a plane with nothing more than a boarding pass and my passport, instead of being loaded down like a pack mule. I managed to get it all done, and got myself off to the airport by noon as planned. Checked my rental car in, and off to check-in for my flight.

So here is where the trouble begins...airports have become filled to the brim with self check-in kiosks. Like hundreds of them, and they are not all the same. There are dozens per airline for checking in and printing boarding passes. There are more for checking in your own luggage, and yet more for checking in at customs. One would think that if I am doing all the damn work, and there are kiosks for every single thing, that things would proceed in a much more efficent way. One would be wrong, ever so very wrong. First of all, some of them don't work, and they all work differently. Some  are accompanied by staff who hover while you fumble through, while others appear to be abandoned by the airport with no one in sight. One cannot progress through without stopping at one or more of these kiosks. There are no signs to direct you to the process you must follow and there are all kinds of exceptions that are not noted and you have no idea about until you have already wasted precious time and patience trying to figure out why the fucker doesn't work for you. 

So I try easily print off my first two boarding passes, unsure of why I do not have my fhird and final boarding pass. Now what? I still have to check my bags. Why didn't I get an option to check my bag. Ok, fumble around through more kiosks and more lines, more useless signs, and try another kiosk which then tells me I have checked in already, and there is nothing left to do. WTF? What about my luggage? I finally track down someone who can help who explains that one cannot check bags through the self-checkout if one is travelling through to another country like America. Ok, now what?? So she checks my bags in for me and I'm finally on my way. Onto the plane with lots of time to spare. Phew. Should be easy sailing from here. Sure...

I arrive in Toronto after an uneventful flight and proceed to the baggage claim that happens to be what seems like 2kms through the airport. As luck would have it, my backpack was the first one on the baggage carosel, and before long my second bag came along. Terrific! Now I have to proceed to customs so I can drop my bags off again and get to the gate for my next flight. Well holy dirty dying fuck a duck...I'm not sure what in the hell has happened to Pearson airport, but it got complicated and confusing since the last time I was there, which was only 2 months ago....between a thousand kiosks, too many other confused people standing around, and people who have just left their luggage standing in the middle of the pathway through, and big groups of people blocking all access to where I need to go, and I'm ready to go postal. First I stand in the wrong line only to be told to go to a kiosk. Okay, let's check-in as I need my final boarding pass and to drop my luggage off before I head through to my gate. Easier said than done...I try to check in only to have another one that doesn't work. I go to the next one only to be told I have missed the check-in time - WTF???? I check the time and I have only 45 min before my flight boards and I haven't even been through customs yet. I begin to unravel here...my coping skills have suffered since I've been dealing with anxiety and PTSD...I lose control and begin crying and sobbing, nattering on about missing my flight and how confusing the process is here. 

Staff member finally comes over and tries to settle me down so we can get somewhere. She checks me in, prints my final boarding pass and directs me to go through customs and then proceed to gate 12. It goes from bad to worse here. I look for signs that say where to go and what to do...there are none. I look around to see if anything makes sense and of course I am drawn to yet another fucking kiosk to proceed with a customs questionnaire...of course the first one does not work so I must find another one. I finally get through that, print my customs form off and am directed to the customs corral where I am sent to line up once again, this time for the US customs check and stamp in my passport. I tell her that my flight is boarding shortly and I need to hurry. She doesn't give a shit. Line up and shut up is the order of the day. After 20 excrutiating minutes in a line that goes NOWHERE, I am finally permitted to go to a customs counter. By that point I'm pretty upset, sobbing and a complete mess, certain there is no way to possibly make my flight and wondering how in the fuck I am going to reach Angela to tell her I missed the flight - she does not have a cell phone. Mr customs man takes pity on the soggy mess in front of him and whips me through the process, and directs me to the next step - drop your suitcases off and carry on through security. I leave the cart and grab my bags where I am stopped immediately and asked if that was my cart - out of patience, I tell her it is not my cart, as in I do not own it. Another guy rats me out, the fucker, and she tells me I must move the cart from one side to the other - mind you there is not a single sign to say this, nor are there any other carts - what are people meant to do with them? I tell her I am in a hurry - she doesn't give a rats ass. Fuck it, I'll move the cart 2 feet away if that will please your highness...fuck me. 

Then I am directed to line up for security yet again with no real process for which line means what, and no one will answer my questions. Bastards. So I begin to unravel again as the clock ticks and my flight has begun to board and there I am, stuck in securty line up. I shout out to anyone I can gain attention from to let them know I am going to miss my flight unless someone helps me out. No one responds at all, as in completely ignoring me by this point. I lose my shit, and begin swearing. Still nothing. There are dozens of people lined up by this point, with only 2 customs officers on - Saturday night, schools out, summer has begun and there are only 2 customs officers on at one of the busiest airports in Canada. Sounds about right.

Finally it is my turn and I am shuffled through where of course I must take out half my shit to be scanned, and I am fearing the worst - I will be randomly selected for a special screening yet again - it already happened in Halifax. Thankfully it didn't and I was able to race off to my gate finally where it was in the process of boarding. I am still a fucking mess, but trying to choke down some air as I realize I have made it, I won't miss the flight, and things will carry on as they should. Except I have anxiety and nothing is simple. I am a sobbing fucking mess and cannot seem to get my shit together to calm down. The flight attendant on board sees this right away as I load myself onto the plane and shuttles me off to the bathroom with a glass of water to gather myself again. Within a few moments I am able to get myself together enough to go find my seat. I'm seated by the window which is good, but the weats on American Airlines are downright claustrophobic. Just what I need. I'm seated next to a quiet older Asian couple who graciously move so I can get into my seat where I then fall apart again, as silently as I can so as not to draw too much attention. I'm steaming hot, thristy as hell, stressed to the ma, and sobbing uncontrollably. All I can think about is how close I came to missing the flight, and how  upset I am about being upset - secondary anxiety my psych guy calls it. I sob through about the first hour of the flight until they finally come around with beverages - I take a beer and a ginger ale. 

So now I am still cramped into my tiny seat, trying to keep it together...it is a mixed bag - sometimes I can, and sometimes I am sobbing yet again. The horse is definitely out of the barn...breathe in, breathe out, choke down another sob, breathe in, breathe out...sigh...I will be so glad to see Angela tonight and crash in my bed...

They paved paradise,and put up a parking lot...

I've been visiting family and friends these past several weeks and after living alone for so many years with only the cat to talk to, it can get to be claustraphobic after a few weeks, particularly as a person who experiences anxiety. To combat this I simply go for a drive a few times per day. I often throw in other errands such as returning items to the store, picking up medications or food, shopping and so on. In order to get some alone time, i sit in the vehicle in a large parking lot that overlooks the street below. As it turns out, I am not the only parking lot sitter. There are several in every parking lot I have visited. It isn't a social networking thing either as contact seems to be discouraged, as people seek their alone time away from the constant press of physical social engagement with others. In the comfort of our vehicles, we capture time alone in plain sight. Our activities may vary while sitting in our vehicles but what seem to have in common is that need for controlling just what social interactions you want to have.

I've always been fascinated, watching the interactions of others. It must be the sociologist in me. The social worker in me assesses the situation, and the mother radar scans the area for risks, while the sociologist in me is what I often enjoy the most. I think I might enjoy ethnographic research. I've found the perfect location - the parking lot. I've been around many highways and byways, country roads and outback bush tracks, city interchanges, and driving on both sides of the road. I've parked in many parking lots for many of the same reasons I've observed in others lately. 

There are several common activities among parking lot dwellers.
Eating - Some folks only have a few minutes to wolf down a takeout lunch either from home or the nearest fast food place or hipster cafe. They spend a few minutes texting a friend and checking facebook before heading back to the office to continue the work day. I see people in uniforms all the time. 

Smoking - They can no longer smoke at their office or outside the building, or have been forbidden to do so at home. So they grab a quick smoke parked in a parking lot with the window down while checking text messages, updating facebook, watching porn, who knows? Or they are just stressed out and a quick cigarette may prevent them from throwing the stapler at the colleague who insists on tapping his pen. 

Thinking - they don't seem to be doing anything. There's no coffee cup or water bottle in hand, no sign of food or electronic device. But some serious thinking going on. It could be big thinking like should I quit my job, or do I want to get married right now. Or it could be as benign as did I use all the milk this morning or what movie should I watch on Netflix tonight. Who knows.
Talking - people are stopping to chat all the time, but most often it seems serious, unless people are combining it with another activity listed above. If they took the time to park in a parking lot just to talk, chances are the topic is likely important.
Reading - from the old fashioned printed book, to the newspaper, to a tablet or smartphone or a magazine, people do enjoy reading in parking lots. I know my Dad would sometimes take a newspaper with the crossword to work on while he waited for mom.
Social media communicating - whether it's sending out Tweets, using Facebook, searching the net, text messaging family and/or friends, to having an actual live spoken conversation with someone. As humans we feel connected to our family and friends through our interactions with them.
Waiting - many people are waiting for someone else to finish their business up at the services and shops nearby. Others seem to just be having a time out. These folks often check their time often, flick through their phones often, look around, try to snooze with a hat over their face. I also see many cabbies parked, waiting for a call in the busy nearby area. Sometimes the cabbies are combining this activity with any of the above as well, if not all at once. Sometimes they just sleep, slumped against their car window, using clothing as a pillow or shade.

Whatever the situation, it seems as humans we continue to seek our time alone as much as anything else. Perhaps it is because we have control of more when alone, or do our minds requires this time alone. For me, it changes depending on my circumstances at the time. I very much understand the emerging fad of the "She Cave" very similar to the "Man Cave". Check out these cool ones below.

A New Blog for a New Adventure

Day 20 of my repatriation to Canada and I'm so very glad to be here! I have been busy as ever, visiting friends and family, and driving all over Nova Scotia with several more excursions planned. I arrived in Canada at midnight to a tiny but hearty welcome home from my ma and cousin. I certainly appreciated it! I had missed my homeland so very much, particularly over the last year in Australia. It was so good to see all of the red and white, maple leaves and all.

The next day my niece came over and my how she had grown! She was just a young lass of 11 when I last saw her and now she is a tall girl of 16, towering over me from nearly 6 feet tall. She hung with us all weekend and we watched movies, shared stories, looked at photos, and she helped me unpack my bulging suitcases. At one point we walked down to Tim Hortons and I couldn't decide between a french vanilla cappuccino or an iced cappuccino so bought both and drank them with one in each hand! It was delightful.

I've been to Cape Breton and stayed with a past coworker and friend of mine for a couple of nights, watching the Habs win their last game of the season as they were knocked out during the next one. We had our lucky socks on, which I'm sure helped, but couldn't bring them to the finals. It was good to see my old friends, having left the east coast more than 5 years ago. We have kept in touch through social media, phonecalls, and FaceTime, but it just isn't the same as sharing a beer on the front step with them, watching the world go by. I was also able to spend a bit of time going through what my friend had been storing for me while I was away. Some was a little too painful to pour over as it was mostly items from Grand Bruit and things that had belonged to my late father, however it was also like Christmas as I had not remembered many of the items and was not sure what had been lost in the fire and what had not yet made it to Dartmouth. We had brought quite a load from Grand Bruit but much of it was stored at my aunt's mini-home in Port Shoreham and so I couldn't recall after the fire what had made it up and what was still waiting there. I was happy to reunite with some of my most treasured items of my father's such as his snowshoes, manual typewriter, and genealogy research such as family records and photos. My vinyl was also there, which tickled me pink.

I was also able to spend a few days with my aunt in Port Shoreham while we waited for the van I was to borrow to be repaired. It had sat mostly unused all winter so needed to be serviced. The weather was quite good most of the time, and I loved the fresh salt air that blew in from the Atlantic Ocean. The peace and quiet of her rural home was just what I needed after the hustle and bustle of Melbourne, and then the travel, and busyness of being in Halifax. At night it was so very quiet I could hear the little animals and birds as they moved about in the mossy forest. Bliss.

I've been gobbling all of the foods I dearly missed in Australia - number one on the list was BACON! And yes, I have had several feeds of bacon since my return. I've also had a fair bit of snack food such as corn puffs, hot rods, cheesies, coffee crisp, corn chips, and so on. We've also eaten out at Mary Browns, Swiss Chalet, and Pizza Delight. I'll have to diet for the rest of the spring and summer to shed those pounds!

I've been to visit a friend who used to live in Dartmouth when I did and now lives in Sheet Harbour with her partner and her daughter. I was delighted to meet this little miss and marveled at how very smart this 3 year old was! We ended the evening with a campfire and s'mores. It was delightful. I was out to visit a niece for supper and meet her little one as well, also born while I was away. He cracked me up with his random comments, and is such a little Newfie despite being born in NS. Hilarious.

My ma and I jumped on the bus and went to the Halifax Public Gardens. There wasn't much up yet as it is early and winter is not far behind us but she loves the gardens as do I. My parents walked there often when they were first dating, and so it has been a favorite for many years. We also walked along Spring Garden Road, and visited Pete's Frootique, a well-known market. My daughter used to work there for a time when she lived in Halifax.

I took another drive to Port Shoreham after picking up my cousin and his friend at the Halifax airport. They are getting my uncle's plane ready to fly out west where he will sell it. My uncle passed a few months back and so the plane must be moved along. It's a Cessna, so just a 2-3 seater plane, depending on how big you are! I would love to have gone up for a ride, but there wasn't time. It's going to take him 3 days to fly to BC as it is. My auntie cooked up a feed of lobster for them and managed to receive her very first lobster bite! We were taking the bands off the claws to put them in the boiling water on the stove when he fought back and nipped her with his claw on the palm of her hand, drawing blood. After the initial shock of what happened, we all had a good laugh. She managed to make it through nearly 80 years as a fisherman's daughter without a bite and then he got her. We had just been talking about the time my ex-husband was teasing a lobster on the way to the cooking pot when one of the lobsters grabbed his nose and wouldn't let go when SNAP, one got my auntie. Both lobsters paid for it in the end, of course...we finished off the evening with a walk along the beach through blustery winds, picking up interesting rocks, shells, and sand dollars along the way.

This weekend we hit the road again and head to Cape Breton to celebrate a 95th birthday in Neil's Harbour. I haven't been "down north" for several years, so am looking forward to driving the Cabot Trail again. There are a couple of shops along the way I want to stop at as well, a leatherworks shop and a hat shop that carries some interesting locally made pewter jewelry. I had bought a few items there in the past but lost them all in the fire of 2010.

After the trip to Cape Breton, I'm bound for New Brunswick to visit a friend in Chatham (now Miramchi) for a few days and then we travel back to Halifax to see the Bay City Rollers at the casino. Now there's a blast from the past! My friend and I grew up listening to them back in the 70's, decked out in our plaid, while spinning our vinyl on my portable record player. As mentioned earlier, I had brought up my vinyl from Grand Bruit, two of which are Bay City Roller's albums. Perhaps I should bring them to the concert for autographs!

After that, I'll be chilling with ma here in Halifax, sifting through closets, dressers, boxes and bins, shredding and donating as much as I can convince her to part with before she is buried alive, Ma is legally blind so cannot do it alone, The month of June comes to a close when I leave the east coast, bound for San Francisco where I will meet my soul sister in San Jose for the 50th anniversary concert of The Grateful Dead. We're staying for 4 days so not long, but it should be a helluva time - imagine being at a show with 75,000 other deadheads...and then exploring San Francisco post-concert...it's gonna be wild!!!

So yes, I am super glad to be home in Canada. I am truly enjoying my time on the east coast, and while my anxiety has settled some, it is never far away. Loud and sudden noises still have me jumping high, so I try to avoid them as much as I can, but it isn't always possible. A sudden shrill peal of laughter from a relative nearly sent me into the ditch when we were driving...